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wed, mar 13th, '13  ♦  10:16pm

headed down to st-jean for a dentist visit two weeks ago.
there was an old man telling his life away to the driver on the 432 bus and no hashbrown potato left at timmies. anyway. turns out i have gingivitis. but no cavities. hurray.

st-jean thrifting.

fixed the big mirror back up into the kitchen some time last week.

last thursday seb made us hamburger helper after work. but he didn't like it and stopped eating, only to get back to geek with his hacked phone while i watched "hantise" in his living room. --> people of the top floor, we're so damn predictable.

i'm still trying to sell my old living room lamp. no luck thus far. however it's true i'm not trying really hard...
to be continued.

i think i'm running my last miles at the auction these days. after doing a couple hours at work last saturday, i went again for the second time since they changed the concept (and location) over the last weeks. and what can i say, i mean, it's really just not the same without pierre hosting and blurting out such classics as;
- «sylvain cassette»
- «en cartron»
- «une planche à dépasser»
- «un gilet de sauvetage...pour les seuz qui veulent se neyer.»
- «patsy clean»
- «ça [divan] ça vient de la maison qui sontait propre.»
- «ça [ampoule de 1500 watts] cé plus fort qu'un q-tip, un q-tip ça rien que 2 watts.»
- «ceuz qui ont pas de famille, y'en a une icitte [cadre]
- «en verre sifflé»
- «edith paf»
- «passe partoute»
and the prices are getting higher, too! meh.

with julie the week before when i got the oldie radio.

last weekend was daylight time change.
lost an hour, went to bed ridiculously late...time change, or no time change.

monday movie pick for seb & i;

hahhahah. oddness.

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sun, feb 24th, '13  ♦  02:46pm

tuesday 19th;

admist the evening blizzard, went to the movies near lacordaire to escape from myself and the apartment and everyfuckingthing.

pretty good. i really liked it.
or, how to turn a nervewreckingdepressing evening into a decent one.

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mon, feb 18th, '13  ♦  11:48am
mood cranky

one of the issues with my job is that, it allows me too much time to think.

sometimes it's a good thing whereas some other times it's a bad thing.
today, it's a bad thing.

i want to FLEE god-fucking-dammit i want to flee it's my only focus right now. and i can't and it frustrates me a lot. i can't because of that job-thing. because of the cats-thing. because of money. because of all of this tying me up here.


i feel as though i'm losing my grip on everything.
all choked up yet i haven't been able to cry for days.

i wish things were different but they're not and i know they're never ever going to be.


that's all folks.

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wed, feb 13th, '13  ♦  04:51pm
let your guard down

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sat, feb 9th, '13  ♦  07:39pm
fuite d'eau

lundi 01/28;

bris de conduite principale centenaire près du réservoir mctavish.

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sun, jan 20th, '13  ♦  04:10pm
NYE julie

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sat, jan 19th, '13  ♦  10:28pm

wednesday 2nd;

souper de matantes!

fête en avance de m'man.

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sat, jan 19th, '13  ♦  04:41pm
new years eve


bobbi did our make-up and we took a cab.

my boots disintegrated themselves on the dance floor. disintegrated. fuck.
plastic patrick felt sorry for me.

julie & i lost bobbi at countdown.

jack daniel.
lots of.

the end.

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sat, dec 29th, '12  ♦  02:26am

i sure as hell don't wanna jinx it but i believe this new years eve is going to be smocking HAWT.

i wish i'd use the money my parents gave me as a christmas gift to pay for myself, but somehow it just doesn't seem right to use my PARENTS money for casual DRINKING.



i'm excited.

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sat, dec 29th, '12  ♦  02:15am

i've been talking with seb again. he's still single, he gave me an ultimate to not move, and...of course i'll oblige, cuz i don't know any better. and i'm not sure whether i should be happy about this or not. though i guess i am, in a masochistic sort of way.

the week before christmas i got really freakin' sick. in fact i didn't even come into work on the monday. i'd already made a special effort to attend our team lunch that prior friday with that awful sore throat, just, enough...

although i still went out that weekend in between. ha ha! cuz i'm stubborn like that. i spent the day with isabelle: brunching, hanging around, purchasing vicks so i'd still be able to breathe the night coming, receiving (a pretty accurate!) tarot reading from her, and ending the day at cinéma du parc to see the documentary "gregory crewdson brief encounters";

big budget technicolor.

huge soup! before the movie.

that following snowy slushy tuesday i was starting to feel a bit better, and therefore came the urge to be all over the place... and so i ended up at ikea. i'm quite certain ikea puts spicy ingredients into their soup so customers will buy something else to drink.

on the next day, wednesday, seb & i went out to pizza hut. happy :DDD. the loud douche guy sitting nearby nearly ruined the experience, but. he did NOT.

christmas came & went.
nothing much to report...

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sat, dec 29th, '12  ♦  01:40am
thursday's hell storm

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mon, dec 24th, '12  ♦  04:30am

saturday 22nd;

lyne & i went out.

clubbing's just not what it used to be.


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mon, dec 24th, '12  ♦  04:26am

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wed, dec 12th, '12  ♦  08:19pm

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thu, dec 6th, '12  ♦  05:33pm

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sat, dec 1st, '12  ♦  04:23pm
red velvet

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thu, nov 29th, '12  ♦  07:51pm

the haircut from the 2½ weeks ago.

shaved side!!

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wed, nov 28th, '12  ♦  08:19pm

i guess it's a wake up call.

(because even if it's not this one time, it's gonna be another.)

it's always been my decision. i do know that. that having a close friendship with someone you've all along had incredibly strong feelings for but couldn't possibly ever ever ever love you back the way you crave to be loved (because i don't have a dick in this particular instance), is downright dangerous. perhaps even a little stupid. and also, very frustrating.

i concede.

him & i go back 4 years ago. already.
4 years with the sword of damocles above my head.

i've only ever been in love, for whatever that means, with two persons.
him being the latter one.

from the moment i set eyes on him from afar and blurry, he was, [quoting myself]:
«l'homme de ma vie!»
being utterly convinced that, somehow, i was crashing into my very own future that day. approx a year later we'd finally meet. shortly afterwards having to make that crucial decision, which i still ponder today...and especially today:
can you have a crush as a friend? is it SANE keeping such a thing going? or does cutting ties (even though you have a million affinities) become the imperative choice?

way back, i opted to keep the friendship. and deal with whatever the hell was coming and the consequences. ~shrug~

time flew by.
the feelings "stabilized" if you will.

quite frankly, i love him more than ever now. but it's a different kind of love. it's NOT all about looks anymore. i'll be fully honest and say that in the beginning i was mostly infatuated because of this, but now a bomb could explode into his face and i wouldn't even care. about the looks, i mean. ya know.

we've been next-door neighbours for 2 years and 4 months now.
with ups and downs. but mostly-mostly-mostly ups.

overtime we've grown to become extremely close. enough so that admittedly it feels weird for the both of us if we don't see each other every night. except for the sex part, it pretty much feels like we're a couple. «an old boring couple!», i'd sometimes claim and whine. ooooh and by the way, here this is NOT me saying this with silly illusions into my air head. i'm fully grounded on the topic. believe me.

his love + sex life never managed to get in the way of what we share. i've never even known him having a boyfriend. the ones he had happened before we met, and didn't last very long. absolutely nothing outrageous as far as sex comes into play. [on a side note: how strange does it feel when he tells me of his occasional dates and sexperimentions? A LOT STRANGE. yet i smile and nod just the same, because really. what else can i do?]

hazardous update: he's slowly but surely become what my world revolves around.

so why the hell am i worrying about all this now.....

there's been a boy possibly in the cards for him. the serious kind. the boyfriend-material kind. if it wasn't cringy enough seeing my buddy-boy having all kinds of hope, it pushed me a little bit over the edge sensing that the other party might've been interested as well. given what he'd been telling me thus far, anyway. and so i've been a "let's not see each other break" with him (at my request) since friday. cuz i'm really confused and scared and thinking about a million things i didn't want to think about again. i needed this step back.

thank god i had lyne to pour my heart out over coffee on sunday.
she's been AWESOME.

at the moment i am writing those words, apparently the situation didn't work out between them and so it's back to square one. i guess i should be happy for myself. and sad for him. i don't know. truth be told i can't even pinpoint my feelings anymore. i truly want him to be happy. i do. he deserves that kind of happiness. albeit i'm also aware that it'd have to come against my own personal selfish bliss. i'm absolutely torn between all of this and it's breaking my pathetic heart.

for the first time since i've known him, i truly felt as though it just might've been "it". now regardless of whether this worked out or not — call it jealousy or selfishness or whatnot — one thing i know for sure is that i hated what's it's done to me for the past while. it brought up all kinds of questions i'd put aside, cuz i was better off this way. mind you i knew all along that one day coming, the inevitable would happen and i'd have to turn my life around. yet it didn't and hasn't happened...yet. but hello plan B?!

the situation wouldn't be so bad if i had a significant other in my life. but i don't. i wish i could be normal and fall in love/lust with just about anybody. but i can't. it's making me bitter as hell and apparently there's not much i can do about it. so i cling on to him as my second best thing.

every single day i thank life for having him. he's the best friend i'd created into my head during my early twenties, and came alive. however freaky that's really all there is.

i often tell him i don't know what i'd do without him.
and it's true. i don't know. damn. i wish i knew to best prepare.

i miss my innoncence and my naivete that love didn't exist.

playing russian roulette with my fucking heart.

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mon, nov 26th, '12  ♦  07:08pm

somebody please...please, pleaaase explain to me.....


(i'm terribly sorry if you know this person.)

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thu, nov 15th, '12  ♦  11:42pm


my children!

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