sure i'd been suspecting it before. then again i'd never really bothered to check full definitions and symptoms. but it just so happens that i've recently been watching two documentaries on netflix — totally unrelated to this matter — where two of the people being interviewed throughout claimed to be suffering from this. and it felt like a mirror, almost. yesterday i started researching this a little bit and all i can think of is me me ME.
one of the issues with my job is that, it allows me too much time to think.
sometimes it's a good thing whereas some other times it's a bad thing. today, it's a bad thing.
i want to FLEE god-fucking-dammit i want to flee it's my only focus right now. and i can't and it frustrates me a lot. i can't because of that job-thing. because of the cats-thing. because of money. because of all of this tying me up here.
i feel as though i'm losing my grip on everything. all choked up yet i haven't been able to cry for days.
i wish things were different but they're not and i know they're never ever going to be.
(because even if it's not this one time, it's gonna be another.)
it's always been my decision. i do know that. that having a close friendship with someone you've all along had incredibly strong feelings for but couldn't possibly ever ever ever love you back the way you crave to be loved (because i don't have a dick in this particular instance), is downright dangerous. perhaps even a little stupid. and also, very frustrating.
him & i go back 4 years ago. already. 4 years with the sword of damocles above my head.
i've only ever been in love, for whatever that means, with two persons. him being the latter one.
from the moment i set eyes on him from afar and blurry, he was, [quoting myself]: «l'homme de ma vie!» being utterly convinced that, somehow, i was crashing into my very own future that day. approx a year later we'd finally meet. shortly afterwards having to make that crucial decision, which i still ponder today...and especially today: can you have a crush as a friend? is it SANE keeping such a thing going? or does cutting ties (even though you have a million affinities) become the imperative choice?
way back, i opted to keep the friendship. and deal with whatever the hell was coming and the consequences. ~shrug~
time flew by. the feelings "stabilized" if you will.
quite frankly, i love him more than ever now. but it's a different kind of love. it's NOT all about looks anymore. i'll be fully honest and say that in the beginning i was mostly infatuated because of this, but now a bomb could explode into his face and i wouldn't even care. about the looks, i mean. ya know.
we've been next-door neighbours for 2 years and 4 months now. with ups and downs. but mostly-mostly-mostly ups.
overtime we've grown to become extremely close. enough so that admittedly it feels weird for the both of us if we don't see each other every night. except for the sex part, it pretty much feels like we're a couple. «an old boring couple!», i'd sometimes claim and whine. ooooh and by the way, here this is NOT me saying this with silly illusions into my air head. i'm fully grounded on the topic. believe me.
his love + sex life never managed to get in the way of what we share. i've never even known him having a boyfriend. the ones he had happened before we met, and didn't last very long. absolutely nothing outrageous as far as sex comes into play. [on a side note: how strange does it feel when he tells me of his occasional dates and sexperimentions? A LOT STRANGE. yet i smile and nod just the same, because really. what else can i do?]
hazardous update: he's slowly but surely become what my world revolves around.
so why the hell am i worrying about all this now.....
there's been a boy possibly in the cards for him. the serious kind. the boyfriend-material kind. if it wasn't cringy enough seeing my buddy-boy having all kinds of hope, it pushed me a little bit over the edge sensing that the other party might've been interested as well. given what he'd been telling me thus far, anyway. and so i've been a "let's not see each other break" with him (at my request) since friday. cuz i'm really confused and scared and thinking about a million things i didn't want to think about again. i needed this step back.
thank god i had lyne to pour my heart out over coffee on sunday. she's been AWESOME.
at the moment i am writing those words, apparently the situation didn't work out between them and so it's back to square one. i guess i should be happy for myself. and sad for him. i don't know. truth be told i can't even pinpoint my feelings anymore. i truly want him to be happy. i do. he deserves that kind of happiness. albeit i'm also aware that it'd have to come against my own personal selfish bliss. i'm absolutely torn between all of this and it's breaking my pathetic heart.
for the first time since i've known him, i truly felt as though it just might've been "it". now regardless of whether this worked out or not — call it jealousy or selfishness or whatnot — one thing i know for sure is that i hated what's it's done to me for the past while. it brought up all kinds of questions i'd put aside, cuz i was better off this way. mind you i knew all along that one day coming, the inevitable would happen and i'd have to turn my life around. yet it didn't and hasn't happened...yet. but hello plan B?!
the situation wouldn't be so bad if i had a significant other in my life. but i don't. i wish i could be normal and fall in love/lust with just about anybody. but i can't. it's making me bitter as hell and apparently there's not much i can do about it. so i cling on to him as my second best thing.
every single day i thank life for having him. he's the best friend i'd created into my head during my early twenties, and came alive. however freaky that's really all there is.
i often tell him i don't know what i'd do without him. and it's true. i don't know. damn. i wish i knew to best prepare.
i miss my innoncence and my naivete that love didn't exist.
there's a little something-something about beirut's music which makes me want to dance into the sunshine in my underwear and sing along loudly and clean up my apartment. especially clean up my apartment. YES.
overall my only complaint about the evening has been the length of the set, thus a mere under 1½ hours of live material. meh?
oh, and the size of sundaes at mcdonald's.
zach. stop playing with your hair on stage. seriously! twitch.
i wish amanda palmer wouldn't e-mail naked pictures w/o any kind of warning whatsoever while i am at work.
i've got such a like/dislike mental relationship with her at this point. (not her music, her).
i'd jumped into the kickstarter, anyway, while sinking in another one of those "oh, she's getting on my nerves" phase. but i just heard her new song "want it back" earlier, and...woooow ILOVEIT. it's really really. reaaaally. good.
if only she'd quit the everything-naked obsession now. ergh. and i'm not even saying that because i'm a prude (which i'm not!), it's just... i don't know.....record is skipping on that topic? been there done that already?
p.s.: i'd post the video but it's censored cuz there's too much NAKED.
sometimes i grab a donut at dunkin' during my lunch break. i bring it back to work and put the bag on my desk. and just wait to see how long i can stretch the wait before i open up the bag. sort of like a competition against myself.
i mean...it's a white cream donut.
it's 2:20pm i have now been back for 25 minutes. still doing strong.
finding a new years party to attend. easiest task in the world, one might say. right? ...wrong?
in my world.
in my world where there's no countdown and there's no champagne and there's no fucking mistletoe.
when your dreams with your head down on your pillow can be far more exciting than reality.
frankly there's nothing quite like the holidays to make outcasts fully realize that they're outcasts...in case they'd somehow forgotten. to me they're like the bearer of dreadful realizations such as of how few people are going to be at my funeral. in the end. and there's not quite any other way to describe this feeling i can't shake other than i'd wish to completely disappear then. only for then. or fast forward, nevertheless.
i want to believe. badly. yet faith is a tricky thing. part time troublemaker. why yes it seems as though once i come to accept and embrace the way things are, beautiful and imperfect, something tends to come up to give me the hope of something even grander, something even better, which i didn't even ask for in the first place. (the higher i get, the higher the fall). blowing up into my face.
i want to believe that somehow i'm worth more as a human being than spending new years eve alone with my cats and my walls and my cigarettes if i wish not to.
i guess i am superstitious that way..... the end of the year; the shape of things to come.
this utter feeling of loneliness i so casually forget otherwise. so-called merry times always seem to trigger the reality check.
i´m in vienna, and after approx three days my internal clock still won´t believe it´s 2:51am. because it is NOT. it is 8:51pm.
also, according to this german keyboard, the ´y´ is actually not a ´y´ but a ´z´. or rather actuallz. and no after three days my fingers still won´t believe that this is indeed accurate, either. because it is NOT.
past the insomnia, however, i am quite enjoying this little trip. i hadn´t stepped foot in europe in 5 years. everything feels so...european. which is good. REALLZ good.
and as usual kathy is a charm to be around. we are being very busy and amusing ourselves. i believe she is as well, anyway. ha ha.
now given that my plane doesn´t crash on thursday night i shall be back home, where i´m gonna be dancing with my cats and having one or two or too many cigarettes and most likely bugging the hell out of bobbi and throw out whatever i´d forgotten in the fridge upon departure.
when there is somebody (women, mostly) with a loose hair on their head sitting in front of me on the bus (such as right now) it really does take ALL I'VE GOT INSIDE not to help it out a little and pull.